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174lbs

This has been a hard week. I've had some anxiety that comes and goes, and I'm grateful that I'm on anxiety medication, otherwise it would be much worse. As usual, I'm not really sure where my anxiety comes from, but I do feel very overwhelmed at home in general. Dealing with Pepper, getting chores and errands done, and feeling guilty any time I sit down to relax.

My weight has stayed at 174 all week, and was 175 this morning. I'm trying not to be too discouraged, but it's easier to feel motivated when I see progress. My goal this month is to lose 8lbs, so I need to get to 172 by the 14th-ish. I ended up signing up for Gold's Gym after doing 2 weeks of classes there. I LOVE Body Pump, and Body Attack. I plan on going this weekend by myself, since I haven't even gotten to explore the gym yet. It's massive - they have a pool, sauna, spa, tires, cardio theater, 3 classrooms, 2 stories of machines, a kid's play area and they make smoothies in house. It's nearly the same price as my rinky dink Anytime Fitness membership!

I've had a bad body image week as well, most likely from my anxiety and stuff. I don't feel pretty or interesting. I hate my short hair - I can ONLY wear pigtails! I'm thinking of getting extensions ...

I think we're going to put Pepper in daycare soon, even part time. I've been home for 4 years now, and I need something else. I miss having a job, a purpose. An income. I miss working with adults, and getting ready in the morning. So hopefully I can find something part time. And I can spend the time at home alone actually getting stuff done instead of pandering to a 3 year old all day!

My eating has been really on track, and I'm proud of myself. I think stress and anxiety have halted my progress a bit, so I gotta work on that next week. TGIF I suppose?

Father's Day

On Friday, after Kevin got home from work, I drove to Dallas all by myself! :o Possibly the longest solo roadtrip?? I got some Taco Cabana and relaxed in my motel room. Around 11:30, as I was watching cartoons and drifting off, someone knocked on my door and jiggled the handle. Then knocked louder and tried the handle again. I was torn between whooping some ass and peeing myself. About 30 seconds later I emerged from my cocoon to check the peephole - nobody there. Most likely it was someone who had the wrong room, BUT STILL.

Anyway, the next morning, I got up early and went to my first solo OCR! (Obstacle Course Race). Great fun, super humid, fun obstacles (I climbed through the front half of a plane, into the cockpit, and out the front window!)

After driving 3.5 hours home after the race, I was pretty wiped. I crashed super early. Today has been stellar. I made blueberry pancakes, as requested by Kevin, for Father's Day. Pepper gave him the card we made, then we went to the gym. After a nice workout, we went to the pool and it was GLORIOUS. Perfect weather, cool water. Then we flew his new kite he got for his birthday.

After some food and relaxation, we dicked around the house and I made my meal plan for the week. Just after putting Pepper down, I get a text from my bestie in California, Sarah. Her BF broke up with her. She was sobbing hysterically. They'd been dating for maybe 2 or 3 weeks? She was falling hard for him, moreso than any of the other guys she's dated. And she told him right off the bat - "I want a family, kids, this is a long-term thing for me, etc etc." And after they at first decided it wasn't right, he came back and asked her to try with him again. That he wanted this. Apparently he changed his mind. Sigh.

I think the worst part is there's nothing I can do. And she's so distraught. This poor girl has it so rough. She was married, and got divorced. She dated another guy off and on for YEARS, but he was so immature and kept being an ass. All the guys she's dated have been nightmares - addicted to weed, addicted to video games, one guy broke up with her because she "didn't work out enough" (she's done half marathons, triathlons, etc!) - Another guy told her she was TOO DAMAGED TO LOVE. The fur-love of her life died at 6 years old, from kitty cancer. She's a recovering alcoholic, a teacher, just the most amazing person ever. Universe, for fuck's sake, leave her alone. Every crises that happens, I'm terrified she's going to relapse. She's 4 years sober, and I'm so scared she's going to decide she just can't take it anymore.

And she's so far away. I can't just get in my car and go to her. I can't do fucking ANYTHING. All she wants is a nice guy, and a family. What I have. I just don't know what to do to help her. There's always something that's just pushing against her, trying to drag her down.

177lbs

Aaaaand, I'm sick. Balls!

I have a 5k obstacle course race tomorrow in Dallas - I was SO EXCITED about driving on my own and staying in a motel room absolutely alone for hours, and racing by myself! I'm hoping whatever I caught will just pass by tomorrow, but until then, my nose will NOT STOP RUNNING ARRGHH.

I'm really proud that I didn't cave and get ice cream or a cinnamon bun while I was out earlier running errands, despite feeling so crappy. So yay! But I also don't feel well enough to hit the gym today, so boo. Ohhhh wellll. I'm planning on having my treat meal tomorrow after the race - french toast!!

I broke even at 177 again today, which is fine! I didn't work out hard yesterday, and we had kind of a heavy dinner. It's nice to weigh daily again, I really missed it.

I'm gonna lay in bed and drink water and tea and watch Netflix today. Hopefully I'll feel a LITTLE better once Kevin gets home, so my 3 hours drive to Dallas isn't miserable!

177lbs

I must have been retaining lots of water, because this morning I was at 177. That's a bit of a relief. I was pretty active yesterday too - I cleaned the garage, broke down boxes, mowed the lawn and took Pepper to the pool. Later I went to Zumba. I was wiped! But it felt good to move around all day. Today, we have a fairy tea party to go to - Pepper is VERY excited! I haven't done any facepainting in awhile, but I'll probably do our faces for it. There's a Sally's Beauty Supply next door, and I think I'm going to pick up some bleach. My poor hair, haha. But I loathe this weird auburn color it is right now. I miss my fancy colors - orange, pink, green ...

It's only 9:30 and I'm peckish again. I just got finished mowing the backyard. Ah well, anytime I try to reduce my intake a bit, I feel more hungry for a day or two before I adjust!

Meal 1:
Oats (cinnamon, vanilla extract, chia seeds, 10 mini choco chips, PB)
Coffee

Meal 2: (Planned)
Banana

Meal 3: (Planned)
Salad (greens, cuc, carrot, croutons)
2 pieces salami, 3 strawberries, Andes mint
Tea

Meal 4: (Planned)
1/2 Clif bar
almonds
BCAA pre-workout

Meal 5: (Planned)
Orange chicken
Asparagus
1 veggie roll
I spent part of my morning reading through every old entry I'd made in this journal. I was looking for clues - secrets to my weight loss success. And really, what I found was pretty much what I'm doing now. Not much has changed. I'm realizing that my relationship with food is complex and frustrating and a huge source of my weight loss problems. I'd rather be addicted to smoking! (Okay, maybe not, but you know).

I weigh 180 pounds. That's 20lbs away from being 200lbs again. There's a 2 sentence horror story for you. But after months of being on tumblr, and being a huge advocate for loving yourself how you are, eating what you want, and being generally a huge feminist, I came to a realization. I don't want to be a poster child for 'health at any size'. I know that's selfish, but I just want to be skinny. I've wanted it my whole life. It's stupid and shallow, and years of societal pressure have made me want it more than anything, but there it is.

I've been metaphorically scratching at the walls of my "cage" (ie: stay-at-home-mom). I miss having a purpose, an assignment. I miss having colleagues, and work clothes, and earning money. I miss packing a lunch and working uninterrupted. I sent in a resume for a bookkeeping/admin assit. job today. Part time and local, so it's perfect. I just need a change. When I had a desk job and was losing weight, it kind of just came naturally. I packed healthy food. I went to the gym after work. Now, I have access to all my food all the time. I have to bring Pepper if I want to go workout during the day.

Anyway, clearly something needs to change. Food journaling, for one. A part-time job that gets me out of the house! I have a race in August that I'd love to lose 10lbs for. And another big race in November - the Spartan Beast. 15 miles, 30 obstacles. I don't want to carry around this extra weight like I did for the Spartan Sprint, and Super Spartan!

Meal 1:
3 eggs cooked in coconut oil
2 slices bacon
1 starbucks via coffee w/ splash of almond milk

Meal 2:
Banana

Meal 3:
2 bites of PB&J
Salad (mixed greens, cucumber, carrot, croutons, goat cheese)
2 slices hard salami
3 strawberries
2 Andes mints
Tea

Meal 4: (Planned)
Whey
Almonds

Meal 4: (Planned)
100% Beef patty w/ avocado
Asparagus
Tea

let the right one in ...

I'm down to 173 today and I'm feeling pretty good about it all. I've been going for a walk around the block while Pepper naps to kind of clear my head and do something by myself for a few minutes. My junk food cravings have been scaling back immensely. For a long time, I would put dark chocolate chips in both my oatmeal, and on my PB toast, but I gave that up about 2 weeks ago. Today I put a few in my oatmeal just for fun, and it wasn't nearly as AMAZING OH MAN I MISSED THIS as I thought it was going to be. So that's nice! It's progress.

My half marathon at Disneyland is 5 weeks away. I've been doing HIIT runs on the treadmill, but haven't run long distance in awhile. This weekend, I think I'll go into Austin and run Town Lake for awhile, try to get at least 6 miles in. I got a new little waist belt to hold my energy cubes and stuff, and I want to try it out! I also need to get underway on our costumes. Last year I made Peter Pan and Tinkerbell outfits - they were SO much fun to wear at the park afterwards! This year I'm making Captain Hook and Mr Smee costumes! (The race last year was NeverLand 5k, this year it's the Tinkerbell Half Marathon). I think I'm more excited for my Cali trip than I am for Christmas, haha. But now that I've finished shopping, wrapping, and shipping, I can at least relax and get excited for the holidays.

Last bit of news - we have a stray kitty! I heard Hawthorne 'murring' at the open window a few days ago and saw this little orange tabby out there. He looked really skinny, so I brought out some food for him. He is seriously the sweetest cat I've ever met. He was obviously starving as he wolfed down his food, but he still came back to me every few minutes to rub and cuddle before going back. He came back the next day, so I carried him to our backyard and set out food and water, so he'd know where to go. I also created a make-shift shelter with a cardboard box and a blanket, since it's been cold outside. Now, every day I go out and love on him, and make sure he has everything. I'm considering adopting him, but I want to get him checked out first and get him neutered. I'm open to having another cat, especially one with such a sweet disposition. We'll see. In the meantime, he'll always have somewhere warm and safe to come to, and plenty of love and food!

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So, I'm the kind of gal that, once I get an idea in my head, I usually NEED to do it right then! Especially when it comes to organization. So, a few days ago, I realized that 'Hey, if I cleaned out the closet in my craft room, I could put shelves in and get some bins and I'd save a TON of space putting stuff in there!'. So today we measured the closet, and I went to Ace to get some wood cut. At home, I used paint we already had and ended up doing a gradient in the closet, from teal to white. We painted the shelves white and after finishing the trim and such, we're waiting for stuff to dry!

I'm really excited - I have SO much crafting and painting supplies, and things are a bit of a mess right now. And I'm proud that I did this mostly on my own! Once I fill the closet with stuff, I can reorganize and hopefully make more room in there.

This morning we had breakfast with Santa and the library. It was very anti-climatic. Santa didn't even sit or eat with the kids, he was in another room for pictures. The food was not good (packaged pancakes warmed in a crockpot), and it was just kind of depressing. Not even hot cocoa! And the Santa was just awful. He asked Pepper what she wanted for Christmas, and she said puzzles, he said 'Cool'. Really? "COOL!?" Ugh. Anyway.

I'm hoping to get to the gym tonight. I'd LOVE to run, but not sure how that will feel with my leg still tender. May just do elliptical and weights, who knows!?

TTFN! <3

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its friday friday

I am exhausted today. Normally, Fridays are my sleep in days. I try to snooze until at least 9, when Pepper usually gets up. Normally I get up around 7:45-8:00 so I have an hour to myself in the morning. Well, Pepper woke up yelling that she needing a tissue at 8:30. SIGH. So not only did I not get my hour to myself, I didn't get to sleep in either. Balls.

We went to Downtown Elgin to browse the Thrift Store and such. Got a few things that I could mark off my presents list, and once we got home and I put her down for a nap, I wrapped everything. I LOVE wrapping presents and doing tons of ribbons and glitter and bows and curly-qs. It makes me happy! But man, it took my forever and I am beat! I didn't get to the gym yesterday since I was at the tattoo shop all day, and I'm still a bit too sore to go run or anything. But I think I'll do some Gilad at home and try to just move my body a little. I ate less today naturally, which was nice. My food yesterday was kinda all over the place:

Meal 1:
4 eggs + PB toast

Meal 2:
Clif bar

Meal 3:
Apple + raw almonds

Meal 4:
PB&J, carrots + cucumber

Meal 5:
3 homemade pizza rolls, all bran cereal w/ banana slices (weird combo)

Meal 6:
Brisket, chopped beef, bite of jalapeno sausage and baked beans
Ice cream - Southside, the BBQ place we go to, has the BEST ice cream. I only got a small and didn;t eat the whole thing. I considered it my treat for the week! Came home and had some green tea.

I didn't weight myself this morning since I didn't work out or anything. Other than feeling sleepy (probably from having an 'open wound' on my leg!), it was a good day! Tomorrow morning we're having Breakfast with Santa at the library. Fun!!

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leg piece progress

Tags:

Vidor

We're in Vidor this weekend. It was a last minute decision that I'm glad we followed through on. It's a far drive (4 hours), but we always have a good time here! Unfortunately, my diet so far today has been less than stellar. Well, let me back up.

I started doing muscle splits about 2 weeks ago (upper body, lower body days), and it's been good. It's hard, because my goal is to lift heavy and see nice gains. Well, last weekend I was doing arms, and while racking the 90lb bar after doing deadlifts, I got super light-headed. Like, I sat down immediately and waited until I was sure I wans't going to pass out! Then a few days later I started a pushup challenge to do 1000 pushups in a week. Wednesday was day 2 and I was pumping out almost 200 pushups that day. Then I had a hard Zumba session, and that night I felt like shit. Just unwell, dizzy, which ratcheted up my anxiety. I realized I was feeling like my blood pressure was really high. I know that heavy lifting can cause that, and I think the pushups put me over the edge. I probably hold my breath, and exerting myself that much, well I can't blame my body for shutting down. Still scary, though. I was planning on starting to do bodybuilding, but I may need to wait and do more research, maybe make a doctor's appt.

Anyway, I took all of Thursday off. I hardly left the bed!! I ate a lot of carbs (oatmeal, bread, rice) and watched Gilmore Girls. That night I wanted pizza and ice cream (if you watched Gilmore Girls, you know why!), so we did. We got thin crust veggie, but it was definitely a treat meal.

Today we just sort of ate crappy in general, at least for me. We had dinner at Fuddrucker's and I felt sort of shaky afterwards from all the starchy carbs and sugars. I just got done doing some Zumba, some squats and butt exercises. I feel a little better :)

Well tomorrow I hope to do better. Eggs and bacon for breakfast, maybe a salad for lunch? Nuts for snacks? I've got another arms day tomorrow I'm hoping to do, but no deadlifts this time! Haha

Lastly, while I was doing Zumba, Kevin's mom was watching. She said "You're not planning on losing any more weight, are you?" She says stuff like that a lot. Encouraging me NOT to get any skinnier. And it bugs me. I'm thinner, but I think I can lose a little more, around 15lbs actually! So I just said "How would you like me to answer that?" and she's like "Honestly." So I told her that I'd like to lose a little more, but it's not the most important thing. (I mean, seriously, she just watched me eat a burger, fries, and a milkshake!!) Can't please everyone all the time!

Sorry, this post is all over the place and poorly written. No journal writing directly after exercise! Haha

Weight Loss

Age: 30
Starting Weight: 233 lbs
Current Weight: 175 lbs
Total Lost: 58 lbs
Goal Weight: 155 lbs
Left to Lose: -20 lbs

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2002 "Before"


November 2013


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Before (233 lbs)


Current (155 lbs)


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Current Pant Size - 12/14

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Recommended Reading:

Tosca Reno's Eat Clean Cookbook

David Kessler's The End of Overeating

Tracy Mallett's Sexy in 6

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